Fears of disappointment Can more distractive then the actual disappointment
I had such a fear is a child of disappointing my parents are good God loving people.
Not just the kind that went to church every Sunday but the client actually carried him in their hearts.
I think my fathers Fonda dream was to see all his child. Was to see us Dedicate Ourselves to christ.
When I was 10 years old I witnessed my brother and sisters getting baptized.
There were quite a bit older than me I so desperately want to the proud of it. But my mother and father said I was not old enough to make that commitment that decision I didn’t understand at the time.
And my child’s mind I seen it as a way of being unworthy.
I was over developed girls for 10 so as time went on in my early pre-teens thanks so what would happen that will keep me from this as I go older.
Would’ve been baptized saved me from the next 10 years of my life Probably not.
For a few months after that my life would never be the same. That summer while walking with my friends we get chased by a group of boys. My friends and I got separated and they Caught me alone in path. Weather raped or not they take all my power held me down and striped me of my clothes while fought as hard as my 10 year self could fight. Then begged them to let me go the. Something snapped in side me From that second I shut off . So I invent they just let me go, true or not it did not matter. I did not tell a soul what happened that day.
So instead the gossip spread that I was a slut and what followed was more Destructive them day in the woods.
But after these things the fear of disappointing and being the sinner or slut shamed for being naive and And extremely gullible.
The Torment and torture I experienced every day from the time I walked in the school bus to the time I walked off was in stable.
My mother said don’t let on that it bothers you just play along.
I didn’t tell her the things that they were saying, and I must say I didn’t really know what it meant but I knew it was something nasty.
The til after fact on the outside letting on it in care what they said or just going along with it like my mother had told me but the toll of being treated like a slut and talk to and that way shut myself confidence never recovered.
At 13 at five I am up with an older man( 25) Whoever been so kind to me. Being a good man he it for Syd no interest in a 13 old so as it interest,
so he deflection he help me give my life to Christ I said the words to the prayer but I’m off but my heart still far off.
But I thing it saved my life from that day on I belong need to Christ and I start a life long spiritual Journey and soul spiritual growth through Christ with many twist and turns but always in my darkest hours I’ve turn to him and he has give me strength.
Not through church case of felt I didn’t fit in n anywhere let alone be good enough. I bit of a social odd ball to say the least.
Finally after a lifetime of time Of fear disappointment fair and to disappoint my father very disappointed my father who is in heaven
Most of all fearing to disappoint Jesus and myself by faltering after I committed myself again.
after a lifetime of trying to connect to Christ I found it in meditation with him.